NB: The story below it supposed to be a historical satire and contains strong language
Brigid of Kildare
Saint Brigid of Kildare died around 524 AD.
Brigid was born in County Louth in Ireland. Her father was of noble stock, and her mother a slave – she and her mother were both sold to a druid. She was a virgin and an abbess, the most popular career for an ambitious lady of 6th-century Ireland. She founded the first nunnery in Ireland, but this isn’t the best thing about her.
When you apply to be a saint at the Department of Saints, you have to prove you did lots of miracles. Brigid proved that she should be both sainted and remembered as an absolute lad when she once turned water into beer for an entire leper colony. Another time, she created enough beer for 18 churches’ worth of legends from one beer barrel. Today she is one of Ireland’s patron saints. Anywhere you know that’s called Kilbride is named after her.
One time, Brigid was hanging out with a church official and he went into a trance and accidentally made her a member of the clergy. So she was also a bishop for a while.
Now, buzzkills might contend that Brigid didn’t actually exist, and rather, she’s been conflated with a Celtic goddess of the same name. But whatever the buzzkills might say, we can at least all agree the following tale is pretty great:
Brigid, being a charitable type, wanted to build a convent, so she asked the King of Leinster, who, I dunno, was some f*cking guy, if she could please have some land for it. They were in a nice spot, with a nice forest, a nice lake, and nice fertile ground – everything a girl could ever want for her convent. But, alas, the King of Pricks said no, and he laughed at her. Laughed! At the virginal Brigid. Imagine.
So Brigid, not being one to crumble in the face of a roadblock like the King of Pricks, had a bit of a pray and a think. And she had an idea! She said, hey, kingo, how about you give me as much land as my girly little cloak can cover? And he was like, lol OK.
Yeah, have at it.
Brigid and her three gal pals then each took a corner of the cloak and walked in opposite directions, when, SURPRISE, B*TCH the cloak extended for many, many acres.
At this point the king, to be fair, was like, well, God is real, and fell at her feet and gave Brigid and her gal pals lots of gifts and supplies, seeing them to be holy AF. He even became a Christian and stopped being a prick to the poor.
Source ~ ‘ 100 Nasty Woman of History’ By Hanna Jewell
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